


Dark Mind

by Pinksins



Series: Moon taeil's dark thoughts [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, M/M, Multi, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16343396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinksins/pseuds/Pinksins
Summary: Just the painful and sad thoughts of moon taeil





	1. Weak

**Thought one : _Weak_**

 

* * *

_Taeil thought about how he is weak compared to the others , his groupmates were strong and passionate in whatever they do. Even in the mental side of life they were strong and held their pain and sadness well._

_Unlike him weak , dull and could fall at any moment , he cries a lot and breaks down many times because he is so weak and can't control his emotions well._

_He hopes that someday just like amazing younger members he can be strong._

 

 

 


	2. Ugly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is ugly so why do they keep lying to him ?

**Thought Two : _Ugly_**

 

* * *

 

_Taeil looked in the mirror , his ugly face looking back at him._

_He wondered how did he become an idol with this ugly face of his , his eyes were weird and they their size didn't match , his eyebrows were too thick and big , his lips were chapped and the lower one was thicker than the top one ,_ _His nose was too big._

_His whole face was disgusting to look at , features that were weird and creepy that could scare many people away from him._

_Maybe that's why the members don't play with him or don't want to be close with him , maybe that's why no one chose him as their favourite hyung._

_Who could blame them ? He looks fucking horrifying._

 


	3. Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if taeil wishes for it , he'll never be as good as his seniors.

 

**Thought three : _Old_**

 

* * *

 

_Taeil knew he was getting old , weaker and uglier. It was obvious how he is starting to age and get bad at many things , just like a dumb lonely old man without a future._

_He didn't have the amazing wisdom that some old people had as they grew nor the loveable humour that many older people had , heck he isn't even responsible !_

_He wished he could be like his seniors at sm entertainment , funny , beautiful , talented , smart and very loving._

_But he couldn't , he'll never be that old amazing oldest member he wants to be. Ever._

 

 

* * *

 


	4. Voiceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeil didn't have the looks , the age , the experience nor the voice.

 

**Thought four : _Voiceless_**

* * *

 

_Taeil could never understand what the company saw in him , why did he become an idol with all of these flaws in his him and especially how did he debut when his voice is unbearable !_

_Too harsh , too rough and doesn't hold any feelings in it. Just a robotic harsh voice that tries to make things sound good when it's only making it worse !_

_He ruins the good lyrics , the angelic rhymes and the beautiful beats of the songs. He make them sound awful._

_He wants to ask everyone around to stop lying , to stop calling his voice "angelic" when it isn't , to stop giving him some pride in something he is horrible at._

_But he can't .. so he fakes a smile and repeats a "Thank you"_

 

* * *

 


	5. Useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeil was getting useless to the members, they don't need him anymore

 

**Thought Five : _Useless_**

 

* * *

 

_Taeil felt useless in nct , the group already had 17 other members with amazing talents and handsome looks plus there were members to come and they all had roles , they helped in making nct a much bigger group and made the dynamics work better._

_But what him ? He didn't have a role nor anything special about him. He is just this old weird hyung that third wheels every couple._

_He looks around and sees his amazing younger members doing their things , being brave and trying new things._

_Unlike him , suck a useless lazy person who'll never make a difference , Anyone else would be better as the oldest member._

_Anyone but him._

 

* * *

 


	6. Fat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeil was getting fat , his body is now a mess.

 

**Thought six : _Fat_**

* * *

 

_The most knowing insecurity of humanity for the longest time and taeil wasn't any different._

_He felt the heavy weight he holds inside his body , it was getting hard for him to dance or move around without feeling it move with him and it got so disgusting to think about._

_It leaves him sick every time he looks at it , he wishes he had a good healthy body like his members and his seniors. He wishes it didn't stop him from dancing freely and looking graceful while doing so._

_He just looks like a big fat robot full of trash trying to move but failing every time , looking more stupid as he tries again and again._

_He'll follow a good diet and practice his hardest to get to everyone else , someday._

_For now he'll lie about his hunger and keep practicing even if he feels sore and sees blood dripping down his nose and thighs._

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy.. so I'm sorry for these sad hours :(  
> (Just wanted to say that there's a surprise coming soon)  
> Hope you enjoyed and maybe cried ♡


	7. Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeil saw everything he did as a failure.

 

**Thought seven : _failure_**

 

* * *

 

 

_Taeil never saw anything he did as something worth mentioning. He just failed at everything he did , he can never do good or make anything look at least decent._

_He just fails and makes mistakes all the time , when he used to be at school , at home , at the company , with his members and just everywhere._

_His talented younger members didn't deserve to be in a group with him , they did so much in their lives and they always accomplish many good things and he is proud of them._

_But nct , nctzens and sm deserve someone better. Someone that doesn't just fail at everything he does like him._

_Anyone would be better in his place._

 

* * *

 


	8. Johnny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeil saw Johnny as a good friend , someone with amazing dreams and talents. Taeil didn't deserve to be with him.

 

**thought eight : _Johnny_**

 

__

* * *

 

 

_Johnny was always a good friend , someone with an amazing sense of humour , car talented and handsome._

_Someone as amazing as him shouldn't be interacting with taeil or hanging out with him or even trying to flirt with him. Johnny was better than that , he deserves better._

_Taeil felt happy when he saw Johnny singing and hanging out with the other members , paying no attention to taeil. This is how it should be_

_Johnny should continue moving forwards , he should find someone who can truly love him and show affection , someone who can support him and help in the future._

_He should forget about taeil completely , he should leave taeil in the darkness where he belongs._

 

* * *

 


	9. I'll miss them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeil is going to miss all of this , especially the nct members.

 

**Thought nine : _I'll miss them_**

 

__

* * *

 

 

_Taeil sat down on his bed looking at the papers he held in his hands , if he signed these papers he'll forever let go and be forgotten._

_These papers will stop all of the insecurities he had so easily , he just has to be brave and sign them._

_But even if he did .. he'll miss them , he'll miss all of this , looking at his members singing happily together , performing with big smiles and emotions showing so clearly_

_He'll miss seeing them playful hit each other , he'll miss them laughing together at random jokes , he'll miss each one of them even if he hadn't been so cool to many of them_

_He'll miss them , all of them._

 

* * *

**__**

 


	10. The goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was the end for taeil's career as an nct member , he'll move on and continue his studies even f his heart is breaking apart it's for the best that he leaves.

 

**Thought ten : _Goodbye_**

 

* * *

 

 

_Taeil signed the papers and looked at the manager "are you sure ?" He asked in a worried voice but taeil only nodded conforming his leave_

_"I don't know why you would do this taeil-shi but I hope you know there's always a second chance if you work hard enough"_

_" I know that hyung but I think this is the best choice for me right now "_

_With that , the manager walked away to confirm taeil's quitting._

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Taeil smiled with sadness in his eyes as he tucked his clothes inside of his suitcase , he excused himself from nct's work for the day because he was sick even though it was a lie , the manager knew but gave him a cover up so taeil can move his stuff out without causing a scene._

_Taeil has been done everything he needed to do , he looked at the beds in the room , his bed , yuta's and winwin's_

_He giggled as he remember these two "Hopefully their love can blossom better when I'm out of the picture"_

_He took the letters he had for all the members and left them on the living room table , he looked around one last time with tears threating to fall down._

_He'll put all the memories he had in his heart and keep them safe._

_Taeil texted the managers that he was ready and that was his last day as a part of nct._

 

**_Goodbye world , goodbye nct._ **

 

* * *

 

 

 

**_THE END_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be sad from the beginning :( I hope you enjoyed this and I'm sorry for this emotional ending , there's going to be a squeal for this because why not ?? 
> 
> Oh well , bye bye ♡

**Author's Note:**

> I feel so bad for taeil because this is just going to be a sad , sad fanfic and he is a warm and kind baby that doesn't deserve this.


End file.
